RisingStarAbc: Kesha in a towel. You’re welcome America.
I’ve got it down to a simple art. Just bat my eyes like this and there’s a broken heart. But somehow you’ve turned the tables. What the hell? I can charm the pants off anyone else, but you.
Physical Association: Heart
Used for: For inner peace and soothing of the emotions. Used for the heart and heartaches. For the acceptance of ones self and of others.
Physical Association: Solar Plexus and Heart
Used for: Compels the…
[Strong advisory for mention of suicide ideation, substance abuse, physical abuse and rape]
Since I did live in L.A. after getting into the industry, I hung out with a lot of people in the adult industry, and their stories were always the same, and negative. None of them liked doing what they were doing. They were just doing it for the money, and they dreamed of getting out — doing something else and having a normal life, like being married with kids. This wasn’t just female performers — the male performers and the directors as well.
Almost all, if not all the girls, go to their shoots high on something, whether it’s painkillers, weed, ecstasy or cocaine. So that’s why when people watch it, it looks like the performers are having a blast, but in reality they’re just disassociated and don’t even want to be there.
This drug thing was actually pretty foreign to me, because I had never done drugs before getting into the adult industry. And even though people in the adult industry offered me drugs several times, I kept saying “no,” with the exception of smoking and alcohol. I did however start turning to alcohol, and after being in the industry for a few months, I did develop an alcohol problem. But after I quit porn I also quit drinking, and I’ve been completely sober for one year and four months.
What I quickly realized was that the porn industry is kind of like a “cover up” to run prostitution rings, where the agents who are actually pimps make even more money sending their “girls” out to those type of gigs. And it’s also like a cycle of porn, escorting, stripping, and webcamming. I did a little bit of webcamming, but I refused to do the others. It just wasn’t appealing to me.
My former roommate Leilani (who was also in the porn industry) and I kept talking about quitting, every time we would hang out. She actually quit too. She’s engaged, and is about to have a baby now.
But what happened around the time that I was thinking about quitting, was: 1) a veteran male performer who was in the industry for over 8 years, caught syphilis and faked his test, worked knowing that he had syphilis, and transmitted it to other performers. And 2) I won’t go into much detail about this because it was so traumatizing, but I was actually hanging out with another veteran male performer off camera, who I knew was sadistic, but what he did to me the night that I “woke up,” I was definitely not expecting.
Long story short, he kept beating me, banging my head on his wooden floor, to the point where my face and my head was bleeding. He choked me out to the point of me passing out twice, and when he would stick my head in his toilet, he would not let me come up for air when I tried. So I thought I was going to die that night.
Through the course of my porn career I had to go to the emergency room several times. I had several instances where I would cry on set, because things had been so painful. But none of them like this one — to the point where I would actually be woken up.
As I drove home that night, I was so distressed from what had just happened, but I didn’t feel bad for myself. What was really going on inside my head, was, “What the hell am I doing in this environment? If I died today, would I have done good for myself, for society, or for the world? Is this really how I want to be remembered? Why am I disrespecting my body, and allowing others to disrespect me?”
And it was like the the light bulb switched on in my head that night. I woke up, I decided to quit the industry and re-create my life, my identity, and the rest is history. A few months after I quit, I started getting messages on my YouTube channel from girls telling me they want to commit suicide. After watching my videos and hearing my story, they said it helped them feel better, and not go through with it.
I also got emails from guys who were dealing with porn addiction, and they told me that seeing my change inspired them to let go of that negativity in their lives as well. And there were a few random emails from guys not knowing how to talk to girls in real life, because their only relationship with a woman had sadly been on a computer screen.
It doesn’t take a psychiatrist to figure out that porn not only affects the lives of the people working in it, but also the lives of the people watching it, and in turn the lives of the people who are surrounded by people that watch it — whether they consciously realize it or not. There have been several rape reports of men admitting they watched porn or were porn addicts.
So, I tell my story not for people to feel bad for me. Trust me, I don’t want your pity. I just want you to understand that nothing positive comes out of that industry on either side of the screen.
Some people think that they are doing nothing wrong by watching porn, but in reality they are supporting filmed prostitution that influences individuals to degrade, beat, rape, and sometimes even kill other individuals.
I’m thankful not only to be able to live the life that I want now, but simply to be alive, unlike ex-porn star Taylor Summers — rest in peace — who was killed during a BDSM “shoot.” (And several other victims as well.) It was also really hard for me to accept the fact that porn films I did will be forever on the Internet.
Everything I do on the Internet — from live-streaming video games on Twitch TV, to blogging on YouTube — I used the name “Jessie Rogers,” because I didn’t want my real name out there. But I had to accept the fact companies are forever going to be marketing my films under that name. And using that name publicly is going to continue to attract the “weirdos.” So I decided to change my name on all my social media accounts.
The only reason why I keep them going and haven’t deleted them, which I wanted to, is because I have such supportive, loyal, and loving followers — who love me as a human being, and want me to continue to be able to interact with them.
So it’s not easy. It’s been a year and a half since I got out of the industry, and I was still waking up to companies tagging me in pictures, saying things like, “Jessie Rogers with a big black c*ck,” or angry masturbators, who would watch one of my scenes on a porn site, and think it’s okay to call me names on my accounts, ignorantly unaware that I retired in 2012.
It’s annoying, and I’m definitely over it. I changed, and it was still haunting me. But the fact of the matter is that porn is not a “fantasy.” It’s real human beings with feelings doing real acts. Thank you.
that feel when companies’ advertising strategies are very bad and you want to help them out but also want money in exchange for your time
I feel every mistake I make can be traced to 1 specific moment in time